All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it's great music for shaving your balls
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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