Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i need some magic done to my vagina
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
