I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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