Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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