Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
