I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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