i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
