I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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