Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Houston, we have a blender
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
