What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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