i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
its liver damage thursday
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
