She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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