The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
