I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
