if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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