all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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