help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
