Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize