my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
