how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Floor bacon is actually really good
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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