when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
