My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
