Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
