Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
