Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you made out with another girl for some wings
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
