I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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