pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
two words: eviction party
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
