I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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