i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
