since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
