we have pet lesbian snakes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
