I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
