Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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