Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
