I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
