Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
