my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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