hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my being single is dangerous.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
