Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
