Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
