Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
