You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
