Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You pole danced in your parka.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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