the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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