Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
