Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize