If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
