How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
