Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
