I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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