I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
