Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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