I faked an abortion last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
