Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
