I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize