This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
