My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
