I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
