Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
this is an emotional support booty call
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
