First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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