New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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