textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
