So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
